Friday, December 16, 2011

Those Awful Christmas Letters

Several years ago, likely due to my desperate need to blab in writing, I started writing a Christmas letter for family and friends. Yeah, I know. One of those letters. I made attempts here and there to make it clever and funny, mostly to avoid having it become nothing but a big, fat brag-fest, but it probably didn't work. It was a big, fat brag-fest. I can't help it I lack clever.

I wrote this year's letter and sat back to look at it and you know what? It was the biggest, fattest brag-fest of them all, and in that I wondered if it wasn't just a bit dishonest this time because of this. When I get honest, I sound like Pollyanna with a side of Eeyore, and that's just wrong.

Here's how it went.
I wrote about our great trip to Texas and Arizona last year!

Mostly true, when you ignore the fact that Michael threw out his back and spent part of it lying down, and I ended up doing much of the driving, as well as dragging the bass and heavy suitcases up and down hotel stairs and hills at festivals, all while playing the super together band mom. The south had record breaking cold, busting pipes in most of the rest stops and bathrooms across I-10 through most of New Mexico, meaning hours of no bathroom breaks...

Then I told about how we fixed up the house and got it on the market!

I admit, there was no room in the letter to whine about having 5-8 showings a week, often on little notice, and I am completely unable to keep a room clean for 5 minutes, let alone at every moment. Honestly, who wants to hear a grown woman whine about having to keep her house clean? That's beyond lame.

We sold the house!
First contract was dropped. Back on the market it went, and dropped the price enough to just escape with the clothes on our back. Oh, and let's not forget to mention that the new neighbor behind us poisoned the new owner's dogs just weeks after they moved in, putting my house all over the news and sending detectives to interview my son about his interactions with the dog killer.

We had a wonderful time at Silver Dollar City!!!

True, but in the contest they didn't like us much. Eh. We still had fun and they can not like us on their penny next year, too, 'cause it's an awesome place to visit.

We bought a great bus and named it Benny.
Of course, we paid double the quote to fix it immediately after returning and spent the next 5 months fighting the DMV to get tags on it. Oh, then there's my current panic attach about the insurance... Naw, I'll spare ya that one.

We have a new CD coming out!
We had planned to have it produced and recorded by someone in Texas, and due to some warnings against the contract we'd have to sign, pulled out with only just over a month to find a studio and no clue how to pay for it ourselves. It's now a month behind schedule and is showing no signs of actually getting finished in time to be here while the kids are still young.

Finally, Michael quit his job so we can go live the good life! ...
or end up in a cardboard box. One or the other, I'm sure.

How's that for a Christmas letter? And when did Eeyore move into my brain?

The truth is, I think the DMV stole my sense of humor about 4 months ago, and I stink at clever. So I simply say what we did and it sounds like a brag.

I love writing our Christmas letters, but this year I simply cannot bring myself to do it. Normally it would be finished by now, but Scrooge took up residents with Eeyore in my already over-crowded split personality just in time for Christmas.

Of course, then we go and have a fantastic evening of Christmas cookies, Charlie Brown, and giggles, leaving me completely conflicted just when I have a great mental Grinch going. (Oh, he's in there too. Forgot to mention that.)

It is entirely possible at this point that our busiest and most news-worthy year yet will end with no Christmas letter to show for it. Bahumbug.

I think I'll go have some eggnog and another Christmas cookie, listen to Christmas music, dream of warm beaches and let Pollyanna pound the daylights out of Eeyore, Scrooge, and Grinch for a bit. Wait...No. Not Pollyanna. I don't like her much. Too simple minded. Hmmm... I need a new positive personality to invite into the mix. Perhaps I'll think of someone over cookies and eggnog.

ETA: I forgot to mention Mary's dental surgery and the subsequent fight with the insurance company who tried to stick us with an $8,000 bill.

I'm sure I'll think of more... :-p


  1. It may have been a tough year, but it's certainly been eventful!!

    How about letting Tiny Tim pound the daylights out of Scrooge et al with his crutch? (That looks very violent in print!!)

  2. No, you are wrong...Your writing style is very entertaining...Last night an hour after we should have been asleep we were still laughing over your adventures...sounds so like us but my husband is too serious and tempers my writing if I get too detailed! Oh well. It is good to hear that we are not the only ones who don't excel at Christmas letters! (Hey it's February and I still haven't published ours!)LOL